Current mood:

Helplessly Inundated

Xmas Muzak and the Urge to Kick Puppies
So which Christmas song is your least favorite?

I have no ill will toward most of the actual Christ-related music: little drummer boys and merry gentlemen resting on silent nights can pass me right by without any internal howling.

It's the generic happy-go-lucky, Dickensian winter pap, the simpering "All Season Long, Your Favorite Holiday Hits" programming that KOST-FM leaks on you in the Laundromat. Cases in point:

Certainly, "Jingle Bell Rock" is annoying, with its little tinkling guitar sting. No surprises there.

"I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" is the archetypal hymn of white oppression (may all your Christmases be White). Even when Bing does it. Especially when Bing does it.

"Carol of the Bells" is a swarm of choral bees that slams against one's cranium until madness sets in. Bianca flees the room when it comes on because she doesn't want to hurt anybody.

"The Christmas Song" is its own private circle of Hell, since whoever's performing it is compelled to sing. It. Really. Slowly.

Chest.

NUTS....

roastinnnnng...

... on?

... an open fiiiiiirrre....

*Go start some coffee*

JackFrostnipping....

at your nooooooooooooooooossse.....



The one, though, that brings the uncontrollable twitch in my eyelid, a knot in my lower gut, a rising river of seething contempt for my fellow man, a thumb poised and quivering over a large red nuke button, must be "Winter Wonderland." By a long shot.

It's usually rattled off in a horribly jaunty manner worthy of the most emasculating Caucasian musicals of the '50s, you see, but it also never ends. Never. You could be winding down finally, "walking...", thank Heaven, orchestra swells, "in a Winter...", smiles everyone, smiles, big finish: "Wonder... LANNNDD!!!"

Wow, thank goodness that's finally over, I can get on with my li
"IN the MEADOW we can BUILD a SNOWMAAANNNN..."
... AUGH! AAAAUUUGH! NYYAAAAAHHH, and off we go into another stanza of Parson Brown and frolicking in the Eskimo way. Torture. Torment. Hatred.

"Happy Holidays" multiculturalism my ass. It's Christmas.

... Do I sound biased?

(Bah Humbug)