Current mood:

Woebegone

Branding the Afterlife
Hmm... how can I generate more capital off of people? I know! I'll cash in on their grief and their shallow attachment to consumerism! How about this: because I know you love Precious Moments figurines so much, when you die, you can be buried in a casket that's branded with the Precious Moments® logo! Or your cremains can be preserved in a specially designed urn.

Oh. It's been done.

So, let's see: Eternal Image sells "brand name funerary products that celebrate the passions of life." When you kick off, they've got branded caskets and cremation urns for Major League Baseball, Precious Moments, the Vatican Library Collection, and Star Trek... and there's the American Kennel Club and Cat Fancier's Association for when your pet shuffles off this mortal coil, too.

The Star Trek urn is especially coffee-table worthy:
*picks up* "Say, this is cool... is this one of those laser-clock things that..."
"That's grandpa's ashes."
"Urk!" *clank*

And this... this... wow. Thirteen teams to choose from.
"Yea, *snif*... my friends, Roy has finally slid into home. Finally caught that pop fly from Jesus..."

I like the disclaimer for the Cat Fancier's Association and American Kennel Club urns: "Please note: This product is for pets only." ... Aw, dang.

From the About Us section: "We combine the power of brand-names with 21st century materials and composites that won't rot." ... Ah, shouldn't we find another euphemism here? Perhaps "that won't suffer from degradation"..? And hey, if you want expertise on brand-name with materials that don't rot, contact your local McDonald's...

Also from the About Us section: "Mytych challenged himself to find an industry where branding -- and licensing -- had little or no impact to date. After months of research, Mytych hit upon what may be licensing's last frontier -- the funeral industry." ... It's all about money, folks. At least they're honest.

I'm surprised NASCAR isn't there: "Ah wanna be buried in a race car when ah die!"